You know what’s crazy? The fact that there are so many unwritten rules and regulations when it comes to love these days. We’ve all seen those cringey (and toxic) articles – “How to Make a Man Want You in 10 Easy Steps!” or “20 Catchphrases That Will Drive Her Crazy!” As if those lists aren’t riddled with weird manipulation tactics and deceptive techniques to make you believe that that’s what true love is. As someone who does not succumb to the surface level advice that articles like that present, I would like to believe that love is something that is SO much deeper and greater than any cookie-cutter advice could give. Love can be pretty complicated and nuanced at times, but at the same time, it can be the easiest and most natural feeling to process. It’s that “when-you-know-you-know” feeling that a lot of us have innately. 

Personally, I am the kind of person who is a lover at heart and feels things very deeply; I’m usually not afraid to express how I feel in my day-to-day life. However, it hasn’t always been that way. In the past I have been encouraged not to love too much and to not let the person know how I really feel because it will “scare them off”. So, what did I do? I got scared. I started to believe that being my authentic self was just “too much”, and that in order to get the guy I had to dilute my true self and just “play it cool” instead. “Don’t respond to his texts!” my friends said. “That’ll leave him wanting more!” (As you can see, I definitely wasn’t surrounding myself with the right people here.) But as a young woman new to navigating feelings and all that, I believed what they said. Long story short, the first two years of my twenties were filled with memories of me not being my true and authentic self, out of fear that I was going to be “too much” for a man to deal with. 

As time went on, I was emotionally exhausted and frankly really tired of approaching my feelings this way. It didn’t feel honest. I realized that feelings and emotions are essential to our cerebral ecosystem, and that it is OKAY to express them and let them out in a way that is healthy and sustainable. I agree that we shouldn’t always let feelings and emotions be in the driver’s seat of our minds considering we also need logic and reason (left brain vs. right brain), but allowing emotions to take up space and support the instinctive intuition that we have is a good balance that allows for more freedom and less guilt. 

Now let’s address that eight-letter phrase that everyone seems to either be afraid of or intimidated by these days; I love you. It’s such a weighty little phrase, but is often avoided like the plague when there are feelings involved – why is that? I think that some people see it as some grand gesture that demands something more from them than what the other person is actually insinuating. Personally, when I say I love you, it simply means that – I love you. Nothing more, and nothing less. Are there people out there who do say it to manipulate the other person as a way to try to get something from them in return? Yes, most definitely; I have experienced that before and it’s a very yucky feeling. However, in a genuine situation where you do love someone whether it’s a friend, family member, partner, or loved one, I think its honestly not said enough. Love is one of the most powerful forces on the planet, and I think if we showed and said it more without fear of societal damnation, then the world would truly be a better place. 

On the other hand, it is often times hard to receive that love that others try and give to us. My theory? We are living in a world that makes it harder and harder every day for us to truly love ourselves. I know we all know that you can’t truly love someone until you love yourself, but seriously!! Just take look around and you see ads, pictures, videos, and media that are basically telling you that you aren’t enough! Buy this to fix that, do this to look better, take this to feel better – quick fixes that will never truly heal the soul and are selling us a false sense of what self-love really looks like. 

When I realized this I had to really ask myself – is this why it’s so hard for me to accept compliments when they are given to me? Is it because I don’t truly believe those things or see them in myself? The inability to give or receive love is a small part of a deeper-rooted issue, but the good news is that it doesn’t have to stay that way. It is possible to truly love yourself, and it is possible to love someone fully, wholly, and unconditionally if you open yourself up to it. Fear is an ugly disease that will kill any and everything we want if we let it, but if we want good things to happen to us then we have to let love win.

True love is not calculated, and it usually comes when we aren’t expecting it. Even if you don’t feel like you’re loved at times, know that there is always someone out there who does love you – they just might not have the words to say it or show it yet. 

As for me, in this journey of learning how to love and finding out what healthy love really looks like, I have learned that it is still important to have boundaries, to fight for them, and to not let anyone steal the joy, peace, and love from my heart. As I have gotten older I am MUCH more careful of who I give my heart to, but as guarded as I can be in that, I try not to forget that I am loved, and that I deserve love too.

You never know what people are going through, and your kind words of love and support just might be what someone needs to hear today. So don’t hold back! 

Love without fear (:

Who do you love?